I want to change the sentence construction and wrong use of prepositions in my original paper. In addition, I want to reduce the length of the sentences, which seem too long. I have revised the entire paper and made the following changes:
1.Original paper – “As far as the target readers are concerned, according to me, the essay can strike a chord in the reader of any age, since the composition is exploring the power dynamics between a vulnerable son and over-powering father”.
2.Revised paper – I believe that the essay can strike a chord with readers of any age, as far as the target readers are concerned. I base my belief on the composition of the essay that explores power dynamics between a vulnerable son and an over powering father.
3.Original paper – “The readers can come across a plethora of themes like how within the internal periphery, and the child is assaulted by patriarchal norms and practices “He would see my downcast eyes, my reddened, sweating face…””
4.Revised – The readers can come across a plethora of themes like how within the internal periphery, the child is assaulted by patriarchal norms and practices, “He would see my downcast eyes, my reddened, sweating face…”
After going through the peer comments, I found that I have made significant use of passive voices that I need to avoid. Further, according to the peer review, the first paragraph of my essay is underdeveloped and it is filled with confusion. In addition, incorrect MLA formatting in the work cited. As per the comments made by peers, the first paragraph of my essay does not convey the point I am trying to make.
These comments depict that I have to reduce the use of passive voices in my essay and develop the first paragraph more precisely. I also have to maintain a smooth flow so that I do not confuse my readers. Further, I have to use correct MLA format while citing other works.
I accept that the first paragraph of my essay is loose and the words used are vague as well. Hence, I have made some corrections. I have also tried to remove excessive passive voice sentences from my essay. I made certain changes keeping in mind, the comments made by my peers. Following are the changes:
1.Original paper – “Another meaningful interpretation or message that can be derived from the essay is the sadistic satisfaction that the father used to attain by flaunting his authority and male dominance”.
2.Revised – Another meaningful interpretation or message that can one can derive from the essay is the sadistic satisfaction that the father used to attain by flaunting his authority and male dominance.
3.Original paper – “Previously, the hegemony of power was solely invested in the father”.
Revised – Previously, only fathers had the hegemony of power.
4. Original paper – “The power was channelized through his verbal exchanges and the frequent sessions of arm wrestling that he used o carry on”
5.Revised – He channelized this power through verbal exchanges and the frequent sessions of arm wrestling that he used to carry on
6.Original paper – “My take on reading the essay is that the essay has been written from an alienated child’s perspective.”
7.Revised – The author has written this essay from an alienated child’s perspective; I feel who has been subjugated by a powerful father in his childhood
1.Original paper – “As far as the target readers are concerned, according to me, the essay can strike a chord in the reader of any age, since the composition is exploring the power dynamics between a vulnerable son and over-powering father”.
2.Revised paper – I believe that the essay can strike a chord with readers of any age, as far as the target readers are concerned. I base my belief on the composition of the essay that explores power dynamics between a vulnerable son and an over powering father.
3.Original paper – “Why this essay can interest readers of varying age and inclinations because, written in first person narrative, the essay talk about patriarchal dominance and expectations”.
4.Revised – This essay can interest readers of varying age and inclinations because, written in first person narrative, it talks about patriarchal dominance and expectations.
The following instructions seemed useful to me while revising my essay:
After noting down my instructor’s comments, I revised my paper and made the alterations accordingly.
I read the essay by Brad Manning again and noted down the key points. After that, I included the key points from the essay in my paper and explained the abstractions clearly. I also made corrections in my in-text citations.
I added more examples from the text to analyze the author’s central theme.
I replaced passive voice sentences with active voices and restructured the sentence. I proofread my essay, identified the mistakes, and rectified those accordingly. Proofreading involves identifying technical mistakes in the solution like punctuation and spelling errors and grammatical errors. In the revision process, I also identified and edited the minor mistakes to make my assignment error free.
To revise my essay, I used the small-scale revision process. This process involves revising specific parts of the essay that needs rectification or modification. In addition, I proofread the entire essay and made necessary amendments based on peer and instructor feedback.
While drafting my original essay, I overlooked some important issues like building a strong momentum from the beginning, relating my own experiences with that of the author and so on. Although I thoroughly read the essay by Manning, I lacked the ability to form statements based on the central theme.
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